I thought the absolute worst day would be putting Eve down, but that surprisingly wasn’t. I find writing about my experience is therapeutic because the pain is so great that this is the healthiest outlet I can find at the moment. It just f***ing sucks to be in this situation.
And unfortunately a lot of people have been in this situation where their horse dies, and they have to move on. Maybe I’m just mentally weak af and am handling this really badly and everyone else who’s lost a horse has kept it together fine. Or maybe everyone who’s lost a horse feels like me but they don’t show it or talk to anyone about it.
It feels almost stupid to be this messed up over a pet. Like I have some friends in some real bad situations that vent to me about their really serious problems. And I try to relate like yeah I know how it feels because I’m going through shit too. And I get back “what do you mean? what do you have going on?” Like I didn’t just lose a 75% chunk of my life overnight. I just lost a pet. People just don’t take it as seriously as me – at least ones that have actual problems and mine seem so minute. It kind of invalidates my feelings and makes me seem like an absolute psycho for going out everyday this week to distract myself from the fact that I’ll never see my horse again. Like ever.
It hit even harder tonight which is why I’m writing. I haven’t recently driven by my barn in a couple days, but tonight after getting drinks with my friend I had a real urge to just stop by. Crying in her stall alone had been so therapeutic for me the one day I did it. And it feels like I can actually cry and let it all out when I’m at the place where she died. But when I pulled in the driveway, I saw new horses were in her field. I just lost it. Like oh f*** me, this is happening. I walked into the barn past all her friend’s stalls and saw Eve’s boyfriend in her stall. The name was changed on the door. A different halter was on the rack. I just dropped to my knees and sobbed. Like this isn’t just a bad joke or some shit, this is real life. This is reality. This is what is happening right now. My horse is 1,000% gone. She’s gone.
I honestly don’t know what I was expecting. It’s a boarding barn. Only half the stalls in the barn have windows – it’s prime real estate. Eve actually ironically got her window stall because the previous horse had passed away. So when that horse died, Eve got an upgrade. It was sad, and I remember doing a little prayer type thing for the deceased horse before Eve moved into his stall because I didn’t want bad vibes haunting us. Eve did well enough attracting bad vibes the way she got hurt all the time.
So the fact that Eve got her stall because a horse died should make me more understanding to the horse that moved into Eve’s stall because she died. But like, it doesn’t. It’s so irrational to be a hater about this because it’s a great stall, and the horse before had a corner stall with no window. I remember leaving the door open one day because he had been on stall rest and couldn’t really see outside from the stall he was in. Now he has Eve’s window stall, so he can see outside, the baseball and soccer games, people riding, horses in the field, cars driving by. It’s really nice, and his owner is a really sweet girl as well. I’m glad he’s been upgraded.
But at the same time, I want to yank him out of the stall like f*** you this is Eve’s stall she’s coming back!! But we all know that’s not true. And I think the reality of that setting in is just really, really hard to accept. The barn can’t hold an empty stall because I want the ghost of my horse to live there forever rent free. That’s psychotic. It’s just hard to accept the fact that she’s actually gone. My barn is moving on. People are moving on. I have been doing a really bad job at moving on, but I’m taking baby steps to get there. I recognize I’m doing a piss poor job at coping, but I’m trying to look on the bright side. I’ve gone to work on time everyday, eating fairly ok, going to the gym in the morning, getting out and doing things with friends whether it’s partaking in irresponsible activities or not. It’s still spending time with friends.
This is definitely not going to be like a month thing and then I’m over it. This is definitely going to be a self discovery type journey I’ll be taking this year, so feel free to come along for the ride.